When I was a very new sponsor, an equally-new sponsee asked to borrow $500. I was employed and doing OK. He was seemingly doing the deal and said his new job would be starting the following Monday. He proposed a payback date that seemed reasonable. Without talking to my sponsor, I said “OK” and felt smug about my generous “loan.” You can guess what happened: excuses, avoidance, and a raging resentment on my part.
As sponsors it’s likely that we will be asked (or just want) to help a member, newcomer or sponsee get back on their feet through temporary housing, money or employment. The generosity and love I have seen among members is astonishing, and the chapter Working With Others in our Big Book outlines both the need for giving in recovery and the risks to both parties of giving without proper thought or motivation.
We’re reminded on page 97, “Never avoid these responsibilities, but be sure you are doing the right thing if you assume them.” That thought is continued on page 98, “It is not the matter of giving that is in question, but when and how to give.” Plainly my $500 “loan” to a sponsee was not “doing the right thing”. It was like the story in the 7th Tradition of Bill W. giving $5 to “our prize slippee” and putting a dime in the hat at the meeting that night: a pure ego-serving device. I was “…aiding in his destruction, rather than his recovery” by “gifting” him with a burden he was not equipped to handle in early recovery. It was a factor in driving him from the program.
The conundrum of wise giving is captured nicely beginning at the bottom of page 97, “For the type of alcoholic who is able and willing to get well, little charity…is needed or wanted. The men who cry for money and shelter before conquering alcohol, are on the wrong track. Yet we do go to great extremes…when such action is warranted.” How do I know who is “able and willing to get well?” Or when “going to great extremes is warranted?” I need to tap into the experience of others.
That was my other mistake in making the loan. I didn’t talk with my sponsor about it. Who knows what he would have said before the check was written. What he said when we were talking about my anger and resentment was “Is your sobriety worth $500 and a little forgiveness?” I ended up writing the sponsee a letter (he still wouldn’t answer my calls) letting him know the loan had turned into a gift, and the oppression of resentment was lifted. My sponsee had vanished from the program and the last time I saw him was when his wife asked me to help get him (non-responsive) from his car to the ER.
The lesson was powerful, reminding me that that the program and steps of AA are where I need to live as a sponsor, and they are the message I am to carry. They are the natural boundaries in a sponsor/sponsee relationship. I have given financial help to members since that event, but only after talking with my sponsor first, and praying about the impact to the member, to my sobriety, and to my family if things go south. If I decide to proceed, I set my expectations so that repayment is looked at as a gift.
Reprinted from Alcoholics Anonymous with permission of A.A. World Services, Inc.
Bill M.’s Home Group is BYOBook, Saturdays at 9am, at Faith Lutheran Church in Castro Valley. Hybrid Meeting – Zoom Code is 871-0897-4652. Passcode is 110619.
